Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Next Phase

My oldest turned thirteen last week.

I am henceforth officially the parent of a teenager.

I promise, though, that this isn't going to be one of those nostalgic and overly-sentimental posts I am apt to write whenever I think of my children Growing Up.

I am actually a bit excited. See, for years, all the young people I've ever had dealings with were teenagers. Like youth group and the girls in the dance team at church, and my high school students when I taught Physics. Loved them. Loved that age so much.

When I was a guidance counselor in Minnesota and Singapore, I worked with both teens and children and discovered that while both were intensely rewarding and enjoyable, given the choice, I'd still pick teens. I remember wishing that when I became a mother, I might somehow give birth to teens rather than babies, because surely I would be frightfully awkward with humans who couldn't hold conversations and with whom I'd have to instead make blubbering sounds and devise bizarre hand games just to say hello.

Then: motherhood.

Real motherhood, with real babies and real blubbering.

Not gonna get all weepy here (I promised, right?) so let's just say that I've loved having babies. And toddlers-in-potty-training. And preschoolers. And just. . . Children. And - would you believe it - when I see some stranger's baby staring at me, my hands fly to my eyes and my mouth says peekaboo, and the baby might even smile at me, and I don't even think about how socially ludicrous that is because it really isn't.

To say my children's existence has forever changed me is a huge understatement; I'm not even the same person to whom I might make a comparison. There's very little of Old Me left, and yet I'm More. And all the things I thought were a big deal back then - Barney vs. Sesame Street, CrySelfToSleep vs Cosleeping, Nursing vs. Formula, SterilizedBottles vs Whateversinthedishrack - aren't even on my radar now.

Even "what's your favorite age?" isn't a question that crosses my mind any more. Every age rocks. Every age is better than the one before because these are my kids, who are People with Personalities, and each day, week, year, they're becoming more like their true selves, the ones I didn't even have a clue about when they were just born and toothless and inarticulate. Of course I have fond memories of the baby years with the fuzzy heads and wobbly bums. And of course I've saved all their early stories (the ones written entirely in capitals and consonants) and drawings of the family (all shaped like pickles). But the future excites me. And teenhood, with its possibilities and sweetness and vulnerability and strength, is right there at the top of the list. 

BUT.

While I've been a mentor and teacher to other people's teens, I've never been a mother to my own. So many of you guys are way ahead of me in this, though and there's so much to learn from you. I want to hear your stories, your advice, the things you are loving or have loved about being a parent to a teenager. So would you leave a comment to encourage me, caution me, or even just come alongside and confess that you're about to step over this brink yourself and you're scared pantsless but agog at the same time? 

Two other things:

One, while trying to think of birthday presents for my new teen, I thought I'd write her a story. Now, this was a risky endeavor because it could've ended up being a Lame Story. Or it might actually have been a Half-Decent Story but maybe a story as a birthday gift for a teenager isn't cool. Whatever. Was I going to take the risk anyway?

I wrote the story. 

It was satire, because teens like satire and irony (at least I did as a teen). And it's set in her school, which was even riskier, because well, middle school. And I wrote her and her friends into it, too, which was the riskiest of all, because it meant descending into my unreliable memory bank for catchphrases and observations and signature gestures from all the playdates they've ever had, which is - even at 1 am when my brain is most alert - a gamble.

"Please, God, let her like it a little bit," was my prayer as I stashed it in her backpack to find on the morning of her birthday. When she got home, she said I was "spot on" about her friends. And then, because she thought it was funny, she read the story to them.

Ridiculously relieved. 

Note to self: motherhood is Risk. Therefore, grab it by the horns and run with it. 

Two, I am making bunnies. Oddly cathartic. More details to come!




35 comments:

  1. I understand completely! All of the post :) and I love the bunnies.

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    1. Angela: Thank you. And I'm excited you like the bunnies because I'm making even more and they'll be back on the blog soon!

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  2. As the parent off 16, 18 & 20 year old girls I believe you are on the right track. The key is to listen really well. Carefully offer perspective when warranted. Notice/nudge when they need to take a step forward towards adulthood. Never "give up" and allow them to drift off. You have a fantastic foundation built. Don't believe the stuff you hear about how horrible teens are. I feel like this is the very best part so far! It's exciting to hear the emerging ideas they are forming about the world and how they see themselves fitting in/changing it. I wouldn't give this piece of the motherhood experience up for anything!!!

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    1. freshcityfarm: thank you. I have heard much more about how good this stage is than horrible, although it always is qualified with "but it's not without its challenges, although which stage doesn't have them?" And so many cite similar reasons as you: the privilege and joy of watching their teens grow into who they are and what they want to do in the world. I am already finding that I am not listening as well as I think, or that I think I'm hearing something but it's not what was truly said - thank you for the reminder!

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  3. This post encapsulates everything I love about you and your blog! I am a year and a bit behind you, and I can't wait to learn more from your journey.

    Those bunnies are darling. And they remind me of a certain very special bunny from your blog...

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    1. Maryanne: I'm continually amazed at how many good people there are out there willing to graciously share their stories and experience from further up the road. All so kind. None judging. Such an untapped resource of hope and company and strength, these women (and some men). I am grateful to them, to you for your friendship (even though we've never met in real life - yet). Let's keep journeying. It can only get better.

      And the bunnies! Yes, they are a version of Bunny that Kate has approved of. She doesn't feel comfortable having clones of Bunny in existence but a dissimilar-enough version is okay, she says.

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  4. Children say things to their parents that they would never say to a teacher or a counselor. Don't take anything personally. They will get upset with you and may say unkind things. Don't take it personally and walk away if it upsets you. There will come a day when he/she will realize just how much they love you and all those mean things they said will melt away.

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    1. Ms Russell: Yes. Yes. Thank you. And what valuable (and liberating) advice. We've seen snatches of this already - and it's not just teens. And yes, there've been times when I react to all the buttons they are so good at pushing. Children speak out of honest emotion and it takes time to learn how to process and express that in constructive ways. I am still learning. Thank you again for this reminder.

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  5. I have no kids so have nothing to share on the teen front. However if you ever release a pattern for the bunnies I would buy it!

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    1. SewRuthie: Hooray! That's the plan - a bunny pattern soon (my little Kate's approval pending).

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  6. Teenage can be so tough. My girls are 29 and 24 now. That is scary. They are powerful as teens and I found it tough - I was a single parent. My eldest is bright but nervy, my youngest is a people person with little or no interest in academia and did the least necessary to get through and have a quiet life.

    Advice? Choose your battles and try not to do to much for them. Its hard. You love them and you want to help but it is really good for them to learn how to do it for themselves. Less lifts places - let them take the bus. My rule of thumb was always, if they can do it themselves, they should. Cook less. Get them doing the evening meal alone one or two evenings a week - help as much as you need. Insist on them coming to help with the shopping. Its hard. I said that already, but in my experience teenagers will take the easy option if you let them. They will moan, of course. The other thing, don't insist they conform to your standards in their private space. Let them be untidy. Let them leave their washing (did I mention they should do their own washing?) until they have nothing to wear. They need to learn what level of chaos they are comfortable living with and if they know that you will eventually get fed up with the dirty dishes under the bed and clean it up, they will leave it. Arguing about those things is pointless. Shared spaces, of course they should keep them tidy if they mess them up and they should take a part in tidying them as well. If they learn these skills at home, when they leave they will be far better equipped. One other thing, which I still don't know how to answer. It turns out that my eldest has an anxiety disorder. I think it started when her father left but may always have been there. I managed it without knowing it was there. I likened it to playing pong. Jumping to deflect her from one side of the playing screen to the other. In her later teens, 16 and up, the stress of exams just crushed her and she ended up leaving home and education just before her final exams. I never knew that there was actually something wrong as she had always been a volatile child. I guess I would say - seek help if you are out of your depth. I was, but I never knew it. We survived and have a good relationship. We are very similar people. I wish you much joy with your three. I hope they retain their interest in the things that interest you. My eldest crocheted me a fabulous blanket for my birthday. I never imagined getting hand crafted gifts from my adult children and I was and am thrilled with it.

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    1. Mo's Stash: Thank you, my friend, for your candor and kindness. So much wisdom here. So much hindsight. so much open handed love. And so much strength in you. And the blanket - what a wonderful gift from your eldest: full circle and then some.

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  7. I would advice you to do the drinking and talks now. I had 1 son who would babysit and I told him if the parents had been drinking just call me I will pick you up. Then I went into if you are somewhere and need a sober ride home call me I will come get and not be angry or say a word .... being safe is most important. I did drive him home from babysitting.
    He is 40+ now and said he always knew I would go and get him anywhere anytime but didn't want to have to need the help so stayed safe and careful.
    While I am a child and grandchild lover those teen years are great it is so interesting to hear the teens take on world events. It is really great if your house is the go to one to hear their conversations with each other or if you drive them to the movies or events you learn so much listening to them talk to each other.
    Listening is key and having them make choices and allow your daughter to try new things
    You have been such a great mom up to now there is no reason you will not continue to make the hard correct choices going into the teen years and beyond.

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    1. Colleen: Thank you! Yes, listening. I am learning that I am not as good as that as I thought I was, especially with the ones I thought I was good at it with. I have heard similar things from other parents about no-questions-asked pickups after parties and things and yes, safety is most important, however different the specific rules and scenarios may be.

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  8. My very wise sister with 4 kids older than my one kid gave me the best advice: Each child 'leaves home' at his/her own time. What she meant was that sooner or later your child will choose to be the one in charge of his/her life. There is no way to make that earlier or later for them. It turned out to be 9th grade for my kid, way earlier than I was prepared to let go. He didn't leave home physically until 17, but mentally, he was in charge of all major life decisions from 13 on. He always was and always will be marching to his own drum, and took command very early on. He is 29 now, loving and appreciative of all I did for him, but very clear that, as he said at 13, "It's my choice, Mom, and my consequence." Accepting that and not trying to force him to do it my way has maintained our closeness. It sounds like you already have all the skills to deal with teens. Just brace yourself for the letting go.

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    1. Charlene: Your comment made me cry. In a good way, for all the bittersweet good there is to be found in the years we have before we let go. I am seeing little hints of this in my youngest (who's 9) and you're (and your sister) absolutely right - we're never prepared for the many ways a child lets go. I loved reading about your son, and your wisdom in knowing how to love him. Thank you.

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    1. AndreaMM: So glad you like them! Because more will appear soon!

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  10. Oh...I can imagine and concur, for the most part, except I have two huge boys. Sigh! Wish I had a girl or two too to get some sense of balance! :)

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    1. Laura: Boys are good! Someday they may marry and bring girls into the family and you will have "daughters", just as someday my girls may bring home "sons" :)

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  11. Yup, yup and yup. Every time I would need to master a skill (tantrums, diapers, homework, bake sales, fundraisers, car pools), I would not need it anymore and have to quickly learn a new one (telling son to drop college class while he can still get tuition back, negotiating with Other Son to ignore his counselor and sign up for a full schedule, trust my son to be kind to his ex-girlfriend, meet son's new boyfriend). It's been a riot and I would not have missed One Single Minute (except for the bake sale fundraiser carpool. Ew.) of any of it.

    There have been awful points as well, but I trusted that the care and good examples I set (even if I was hard pressed to be a good example) would stick. And there was awhile where that wasn't the case, but lessons were learned and tears were shed. Some of them mine. And right now, today, this moment on a Saturday night, it's good.

    You know "Lily's Purple Plastic Purse"? Mr Slinger has a line in there, that I love. "Today was difficult. Tomorrow will be different."
    Yup and yup.

    Thank you for sharing your family with us.
    All the best
    Stephanie

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    1. Hey, Stephanie - thank you for sharing your thoughts post after post. Always so eloquent and heartfelt. And always something in them that strikes a chord. Thank you. Yes, motherhood is one big ongoing transition, isn't it? Never the same for too long, and never long enough. I love that you reminded me to live in the moment. New grace every morning, and new strength for each day, and every day complete in itself. No regrets.

      Have a wonderful week!

      LiEr

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    2. I usually don't come back to these comments; I just write to you. But man, you nailed it right there. "New grace every morning...Every day complete in itself. No regrets."
      Now I have a new mantra. It beats Mr Slinger's. I've got to share this with my sister. Thank you so much.

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  12. Knowing a teen outside your own family is different than knowing one inside your family. They are much more volatile inside the family. One of the hardest things I learned with my children (7), was that sometimes in an argument we were actually saying the same thing, but from a different direction. I had to really slow down at that point and listen hard to what my oldest was saying. "Are you saying...?" "Do you mean that...?" were useful phrases.
    Sometimes you have to be the adult and stand firm on the house rules. Not as a parent with the heart beating in your eyes and your mouth trembling, but as an Adult who has no other agenda but to hold up the agreed-upon house rules that everyone is to follow. Consequences often just show up.
    My big rule was: "In our family, we do not ignore anyone else. We say yes, no, or don't bother me, but we never ignore anyone else." Plus, you had to tell Mom or Dad where you were going, with whom, and when you would be back.
    The best part about our family is that they all love and respect each other, and us (the parents). (My in-laws commented on this when they visited after the birth of the youngest.) Our youngest is 24, so they are all grown up and out of the house.
    P.S. memoriesoncloverlane.com is great for stories of her life with her 6 children.

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    1. Ruth: thank you, thank you, thank you for the timely advice, and the reminder that communication is not usually what we think it is. My husband, who is an infinitely better listener than I am (if nothing else, because he simply talks less), often says that to our children and me - that we're saying totally different things but we think we're saying the same thing, or, as you said, we're arguing about the same issue but from different angles in different words. Sometimes I bring so much of Me and My Fears into what I'm trying to say instead of just dealing with the here and now. And yes, be the Adult. Yes.

      Also, thank you for the link. I checked it out, and it is lovely. So much kindness.

      LiEr

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  13. Lovely post, my son will turn 13 in February so I'm in the same boat, he's a great kid but there are challenges !! ... and also, I've started reading ikatbag from the beginning because you explain things so well and I feel like I've missed a lot. I realize after reading the first couple of posts that you started the blog because of your girls -- because you were crafting and sewing for them. It's a great blog and thank you for sharing. --Sarah G

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    1. Hello Sarah, and welcome! Those early posts were so weird, weren't they? Centrally-formatted, for one, and tiny photos. And so high-strung! Funny. I've thought about revisiting them someday to improve on the layout and formatting, and using bigger versions of those photos. Then i tell myself No, because those early posts are a time capsule of sorts, and reflect who I was as a beginning blogger. Am glad people are still reading those first posts!

      I wish you all the best with this next phase with your son, too. May we both someday look back and be content that we did our best. Blessings to you -
      LiEr

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  14. Hello LiEr
    My oldest will soon turn 14 and so our teenage-journey has started a wile ago. Some days are good, some days are difficult, but all days are worth it! I'm still at the very beginning of this journey with six more children the youngest of the only four years old.
    What I find the most challenging is the - how do you say it? - "unstableness" of his mood. One moment happy and funny the next moment a monster roaring. You never know what to expect when you talk to your teen...
    But I love my teenager very much and when he comes to get a hug - he's taller then me now - I gladly cuddle him like when he was a toddler.
    The hard part is to set the rules and persist. Like: I want all the family-members to sit at the table for meals and wait till everyone is finished bevor getting up, everyone helps with their chores according to age and ability, and so on. I have to be firm and never wavering and its often near impossible because the answer from my teen is "no" just because he wants so test what will happen.
    The teenage-years are so wonderful, the world and the live is wide open and he or she has to find his/her place in both. I can guide, give advice, but ultimately it's his/her decision. I love the conversations full of hope and expectations and I would give everything to fulfill their dreams if I only could. They have to do it themselves.
    I love to read from your journey with your daughters as I often recognize myself in your texts.
    with greetings from Switzerland,
    Regula

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    1. Regula: hello! It is wonderful to meet you! Thank you so much for sharing your mothering story with me. I love that your teenage BOY still gives you lots of hugs. They never stop being our "little ones" no matter how tall they grow, do they? And yes - those conversations of hope and expectations and optimism about the future - I pray they never stop, because we need those kinds of conversations all through our lives. Bless you!

      LiEr

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  15. I loved my teenagers. It's so amazing to see them form ideas on their own and start to figure out where they fit into the larger world.
    My older sister made my daughter a polar fleece blanket when she was 13. My daughter picked out the fabrics. One side was bright and cheery and if this side was turned out, it was okay to approach my daughter. The other side was moody colors and maybe you should just giver her some space. It was perfect for expressing thoughts about hormonal change and led to many conversations. I also told her that there were only four days a month that she was a super, awesome, friendly, helpful person that was my daughter and I got them all. She could not spend any of those four days at grandma's, or her aunts. That conversation let her know that it's normal to have stuff come out of your mouth that you instantly regret and that mom was to be rewarded with the good days. My kids are 27 and 29 now and super sparkly adults. They are amazing. Enjoy your teenagers. They have such interesting opinions.

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    1. kathy: thank you! that blanket is such a good idea and yes, I can only imagine how wonderful those conversations were that the blanket prompted. And I like how you highlighted "normal" - I remember when I was a teen, I did not know what normal was, and I always suspected I was on the wrong side of that i.e. I feared I was developing too slow, or wasn't _______ enough (fill in blank with insecurity du jour). I didn't know what the standards were, and I remember being so relieved to be able to talk about it and hear that there was a wide, wide range of Normal in teendom.

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  16. It seems to me that you already have the most important trait in spades, and that is connectedness. You are so connected to your girls. Stay connected and communicating. You will always be the best source of wisdom on anything your girls will face. Let them know they can ask you about anything by being open to every sort of discussion. Girls now face things we never even heard about, except in the news. My daughter had to counsel a younger friend who'd been followed home by a school mate and raped and I basically fed my daughter what to say to her to make sure her parents were informed and insist that the police were called. Although that girl was not connected to her own mother, I felt that she was still helped because my own daughter was connected to me. In "Reviving Ophelia", Mary Pipher writes that teen girls express anger towards their mothers because they feel they are not being helped through the sex-filled minefield of school that they feel they cannot talk about. If you stay connected, the angry years should not be something you even go through. And as for embarrassment - that will never be an issue, as you are already the coolest Mom in school

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    1. Clare: thank you for reassuring me! Yes, it is heinous what girls (and boys) face nowadays. They are more resilient that I ever was as a teen, and yet so much more fragile and vulnerable. What a world we live in. I am so glad you were there for your daughter's friend.

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  17. I really enjoy reading your posts, both because you are eloquent and humorous. I share your love of crafting, physics, and the unexpected joy of being a mother. I have three children - my older daughter is almost 34 and my twins (boy and girl) just turned 30. I still have a hard time saying that, as they will always be my "babies". My kids are all different. Two suffer from anxiety and depression, like me. One is optimistic and even keeled, like her dad. Sometimes I felt like I was juggling to keep them all happy. I don't think my kids changed that much as they became teens, other than the mood swings might have been a bit rougher. But there weren't many times that they weren't loving to us, their parents, and to each other. I joked with my oldest that she was supposed to become nasty and difficult as a teen so I wouldn't miss her so much when she went off to college, but she never did. I think one of the most important things I did as a parent was to be interested in and foster their interests. And to share mine with them. It gave us common ground when other topics were difficult. I do have to admit that my greatest failing as a mother was maybe not fostering their independence enough. But I never wanted to let go, and neither did they. But my oldest lives across the country for now and the twins have their own homes and lives. I think it's that they don't so much need me, but want me in their lives. They can let go, but choose to hold on a little.

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    1. nancym: thank you for your kind words. I am always thrilled to meet a kindred soul! You reminded me today that communicating and connecting aren't always about Serious and Important Things - it's more fundamentally about who we really are as real people. I love what you said about that giving you common ground when other topics were difficult. It is so, so true. Thank you!

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